Lately I have been hearing my hoomin, aka the Warden, talk a lot about something called resolutions. From what I gather, these are things that people resolve to change or improve about themselves in the New Year. Now, being a cat I generally think I am purrfect as is, and need not change a thing. However, just for fun I decided to make some resolutions of my own. Who knows, it might even inspire other cats who feel they need to improve upon purrfection!
According to just about everybody you could ask, the most popular New Year’s Resolution is some version of the “eat right, exercise more” mandate. But that one is just not necessary for me because I already eat great, thanks to the Warden. If there’s one thing she knows well, it’s how to tell which cat food is the good kind, and if she’s sold on FELIDAE that’s all I need to know. However, I suppose I could use a little more exercise to keep my handsome mancat body in tippy top shape. But just a little, mind you. I don’t want to become so muscular that every ladycat in town is meowing at my door for a date. I don’t have the stamina for that!
Speaking of food though, there are umpteen resolutions I could attempt. Such as, I resolve not to wolf down my own portions at lightning speed in order to “help” Mickey and Annabelle finish theirs. This will inevitably free up a lot of the Warden’s time, since she has to stand guard until those two painstakingly slow eaters empty their bowls. Talk about torture!
I could also resolve not to steal food from the Warden’s plate when she’s trying to eat it herself. Generally speaking, the paw is faster than the hand, which gives new meaning to the term “grab-and-go.” I always come away with something, but it’s not always something I want to eat. Case in point: the “mustard incident.” In a kind of slow-motion horror movie, the Warden watched as I mulled over what to do with a paw covered in mustard, until I finally decided to just put it down on the couch. That will teach her to eat in the living room!
I could resolve not to eat the Warden’s bread in the middle of the night, but it’s not really necessary since she started using the microwave oven as a bread drawer. Foiled again, at least until I figure out how to open that thing! I could resolve not to dig in the garbage, but this one is also not necessary since the Warden installed baby-proof latches on the cabinet door where the can is kept. Oh, I know! I will resolve not to scare the Warden by trying to get the cabinet door open, which makes a nice loud bang-bang-bang noise in the middle of the night.
I resolve not to conveniently forget where my scratching post is and use the living room carpet instead. What? You mean that’s not my own personal wall-to-wall scratching pad? Who knew! I resolve not to eat the Warden’s important papers, even though it is kind of fun to see her horrified face when I do. I resolve not to nibble on the Warden’s bare flesh when the opportunity arises. But in order for that one to stick, she needs to do her part – as in … don’t show your plump rear to me when you’re getting into the shower because hey, that’s just too much for any cat to resist taking a bite out of!
I resolve not to awaken the Warden in the morning by pouncing on her chest. I resolve not to yak furballs on the bedspread even though that’s where the Feline Handbook says we’re supposed to do that sort of thing. I resolve not to trip the Warden every time she heads in the general direction of the kitchen. But you know, I’m just trying to get there as fast as I can because that’s where the TidNip treats are kept! And no, I am NOT going to resolve to stop begging for more of those meowvalous treats because that would just be dumb.
Now that I’ve made my New Year’s Resolutions, do you think I intend to keep any of them? Well, of course I don’t! Do you intend to keep any of yours? I thought not.
Happy New Year, and I hope to see you all in 2012!
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