Dog Commandments

By Keikei Cole, Canine Guest Blogger

I'm happy to follow my “dear leader” everywhere, even into the scary places if she’s stupid enough to go there. Well, someone has to keep an eye on her! There is no other critter that will stand by their “boss” as steadfast and loyal as the magnificent, charming creature you call a dog. Case in point: you've never seen a movie about a cat named Lassie racing home to get help for Timmy. Right? I rest my case. BOL!

OK, listen up humans – I'm here to give you some important dog commandments that will make our lives much better. If you break these commandments, the great dog star in the sky will rain on your head.

Dog Commandments:

You shall understand from day one, I will always be the QUEEN of your home. I give my trust and loyalty to those who have earned it, and I expect to be treated with respect at all times. My unconditional love is your reward.

You shall not blame me for what I can't control. I am not a cat, and I need to go outside on a regular schedule. If you don't get me outside in time, don't get mad at me when accidents happen. Walks are preferable because I need some excitement, too. Plus, it keeps me from wanting to eat the couch.

You shall not be critical of my “handshake.” Sniffing from behind is polite dog etiquette. Your eye rolling or red face won't change how we say “HI.”

You shall always reward me with quality treats. When I'm good, praise is great along with my favorite CANIDAE treat because it shows me how much you care. And the QUEEN always gets what she wants from adoring subjects.

You shall not yell at me when I'm talking outside. I'm a dog and I naturally bark at cats, squirrels, people, other dogs, butterflies, bugs, blowing leaves and anything else I find because it's fun to bark. Get over it, or get a good pair of earplugs!

You shall remember that what's yours is mine. I will allow you to sleep in my bed, even though you think it's yours, as long as you don't hog the covers.

You shall respect my dignity. I already know how cute I am. So there will be no baby talk in front of the other dogs, only when we're alone. I have a reputation as a tough dog to maintain.

You shall never question my sanity. Don't call me crazy just because you can't see the house ghost. Even the cat can see it floating around the ceiling!

You shall not wake me in the middle of the night for a mysterious sound you heard downstairs. You go check it out; I'm sleeping in. Besides, it's probably just the cat playing with the house ghost.

You shall not purchase squeaky toys for the sole purposes of laughing at my confused expression. How would you like to sit down on something that made a funny noise and have other humans laugh at you? Now that's not such a funny joke, huh!

You shall not yell frantically at me when I'm enjoying a good roll on the ground. What you find as stinky is sweetness to me. Besides, it scares me when you yell.

You shall never give me a Mohawk or any other stupid hairstyle for your amusement. That's what cats are for.

You shall not dress me up in Halloween costumes and then parade me out in public. Unless I tell you it's OK. Sunglasses or goggles, however, are way cool and befitting of a QUEEN.

You shall never force me to share my bed with a cat. I'll decide when and if I will sleep with cats, and there will be no pictures. I mean come one, if the other dogs found out I slept with a cat, they'd laugh me right out of the DDSWC (Dog's Don't Sleep With Cats) club.

You shall give me a bath no more than once a month. I work hard to maintain my doggie smell, and should be able to enjoy it for at least a month before I have to start all over again.

OK, so I made up all of these dog commandments, but if cats can have their commandments, I reckon dogs can, too. If I missed some good ones, feel free to bark them out in the comment section.

Read more articles by Linda Cole