Friday, September 23, 2011
I'm told you hoomins have something called the Ten Commandments. Now, I like the sound of that because I have things I want to command my hoomin, aka the Warden, to do. And I should think that all felines might want to adopt these cat commandments too, for they are the word of one who clearly knows how to manipulate his hoomin, and is known throughout the land as King of the castle. Which is exactly as it should be, of course. But being a crafty cat, naturally I have more than ten commandments.
Here are my 18 Cat Commandments:
You shall not put any other cat before me, nor any dog, horse, hamster, gerbil, rabbit, chicken, or other creature that inhabits your world.
You shall honor all things Feline as divine.
You shall not call me Boo Boo, Bubba, Bugaboo, Chi Chi, Fatty, Floppy, Fluffy, Moo Moo, Noodle, Pookie, Snookums or any other any silly name that makes people laugh when they hear it. I am a dignified cat, and I shall not respond to any name that is beneath me.
You shall not ration my Tidnips Treats, for my desire to nom these tasty things knows no bounds, and my appetite for them is insatiable.
You shall not baptize me in water for any reason whatsoever!
You shall labor every day just so I can have whatever I want, including but not limited to food, cat toys, a cozy pet bed and a limitless supply of catnip.
You shall not ignore my meows for any reason, but instead, you shall use everything in your power to figure out exactly what I am meowing for, and speedily provide it.
You shall not embarrass me by talking baby talk! I am a cat NOT a baby, and you should know the difference by now.
You shall not blame me for anything the dog could have done, and whether or not the dog actually did it is irrelevant.
You shall not lie in bed past the time I deem appropriate, which is heretofore known as the time I am ready for my morning noms.
You shall immediately upon arising feed me my breakfast of choice, Felidae wet food. Further, you shall not visit the bathroom nor any other place before setting my meal down for me.
You shall not decorate your home with cat doodads, hang cat “art” on your wall or wear clothing with cats, such that any who comes into contact with you will immediately label you a Crazy Cat Lady.
You shall not trip over me or step on my tail and then yell at me for getting in your way.
You shall instead apologize profusely for your clumsiness and promise to be more careful in the future.
You shall not covet your neighbor’s cat as your own. I am the only cat you need!
You shall pet me whenever I want, for as long as I want, no matter what you might be doing at the time nor what else you have planned.
You shall put my needs and desires before any others, including yourself.
You shall bow down to me every night as King of this castle, and treat me forevermore as the regal feline we both know I am.
I have more cat commandments (well of course I do!) but I think this is a good start for now. You shall steadfastly obey these commandments, am I right?
Photo by Lotayada
Read more articles by Rocky Williams