Musings from Bark Twain, AKA a Big Dog Named Bruin

By Bruin, canine guest blogger

Dear Fans:

For those of you who are not already aware, for the last 2½ months I have been on a diet.  My parents and my weight loss warden, Dr. Brooks, keep telling me I should not think of it as a diet but rather as a healthier way of eating.  I think they forget sometimes that though I display an inordinate amount of brain cells, I am, after all a dog and find that concept disconcerting and unreasonable.

I do remember vaguely back in the day when my family would ask if I’d like a “treat” and then turn around and give me a dog bone.  I felt like Hannibal Lector since only he would want to eat the bones of other dogs.  (Please don’t tell Mom and Dad because I’m not allowed to watch those kinds of things but when they leave the room, I “accidentally” roll over on the remote and change the channel.)

Dr. Brooks also suggested that I keep a food diary because little items seem to add up so quickly calorie-wise.  You’d think with all the examinations he’s given me, he would have noticed I don’t have any thumbs but thank goodness, at least I do have access to a computer.  My having to “watch my weight” bothers my Mom and Dad so much more than me because like so many others, they equate love with food. When I go in periodically to get weighed, they always hold their breath and advise me to only stand on one paw.

My much older (counting in dog years) two-legged siblings are actually quite jealous and insist they were never regarded with the same devotion afforded me.  They must think that cooking for me daily and serving my water chilled is not an entitlement.  The nerve of them to count the number of times I go to the vet and compare it to the number of times they were taken to the pediatrician! Not for publication is also the fact that my Mom carries around pictures of me and none of her children/grandchildren.

Everybody thinks they're being so original when they tell my folks they really should put a saddle on me and keep me in a stable. Speaking of everybody, my Dad who doesn’t like to go out much, now enjoys it because he considers me quite the chick magnet.  I’m not worried about the stability of my home though, because dogs chase cars all the time but they wouldn’t know what to do with it if they actually caught one.  That’s my good old Dad!

I know there isn’t one of you out there who has not tried every new weight loss measure that comes around on a monthly basis.  My last hope was the macaroni and cheese ex-lax one that had me parked in the backyard for nine hours straight.  Even though I’m extremely well-trained, I wasn’t able to obey the command to “sit” for at least four days.  Now, my four-legged friends, I am delighted to say I have found one that not only works, but actually tastes good.  Of course, I’m speaking about CANIDAE Platinum dog food.  As a devotee, I now walk around the house singing my new anthem “Oh CANIDAE, Oh CANIDAE.”

The glucosamine chondroitin in the CANIDAE really keeps me hopping, as well as the carrots that are now my “treats.” Not only have I lost 10 lbs. in just under three months, but I’ve also been able to throw away my glasses.  The greatest thing is that my pecs have stayed the same but my butt appears to be quite a bit smaller.  I’m hoping that when Colliewood comes calling, Al Poochino can play me and, perhaps, Kibble Shepherd can be his leading lady.  Al may think she’s a little long in the tooth at this point, but we all know the miracles of botox.

Since I’m not supposed to think about eating so much, you’d think that when I’m left at home my folks wouldn’t turn the TV to the Food Network.  I know they keep hoping they’ll come home and find that I’ve fixed a nice dinner for them, but watching all that stuff just makes me hungry.  Then again, if you don’t have thumbs, it’s difficult to turn a nice rib-eye.

Even though I love the taste of CANIDAE Platinum, my ultimate goal is to get my mind off of food and think of other things.  Perhaps next time you’d like to hear about my neutering experience.  Now that story is a real cut-up!

Love & Licks,
Bruin (the Stud low-cal muffin)