If Cats Had Thumbs, Would They Conquer the World?

By Rocky Williams, feline guest blogger

Yesterday I was awakened from a catnap by a loud sound. Naturally curious about this cacophony that had so rudely interrupted my peaceful slumber – I went in search of it. I found the Warden sitting at her computer, cackling loud enough to wake the dead. She was watching a YouTube video of a commercial for Cravendale Milk which posed the question, “What if cats had thumbs?” The commercial features a polydactyl feline named Bertram, a social media ‘celebricat’ famous for plotting world domination with the help of his Facebook and Twitter minions. The ad also features the voice of Rocky Horror Picture Show star Tim Curry, who asks “Why do cats stare when you’re pouring milk?

Cats with opposable thumbs are shown bouncing a ball, filing their nails, doing needlepoint and reading a book. “Imagine that. Cats with thumbs. And what if they got together? Gangs of cats with thumbs! Organized crime, with one thing on their mind,” says the voiceover. The cat gang opens the door and stares at the man eating his cereal. Terrified, he grabs his carton of milk to make a run for it.

Yeah, okay…it was really funny, but I still wasn’t amused that the Warden interrupted my beauty sleep. It did, however, make me think about all the things I’d do if I had thumbs. Top of the list, of course, would be to end the rationing of my FELIDAE cat food. Yep. I would get that bag of kibble down from the cupboard straight away. Feeding frenzy for all! The TidNips treats would flow freely, too. But I wouldn’t stop there. I love all food, and if I had thumbs I would raid the fridge and pantry every day. The Warden uses her microwave oven as a bread drawer, to stop me from carbo loading in the dark of night…but if I had thumbs, the bread buffet would be open 24/7.

If I had thumbs, no more ‘indoor life’ for me! Out I would go, as I pleased, to snoopervise the neighborhood and visit that cute ladycat down the block. If I had thumbs, I would watch Animal Planet on the Telly all day long. And in the middle of the night, I’d give the Warden a fright – I’d crank up the volume so she wakes up thinking there’s an introoder in the house. Hee hee! No, tis’ only me, watching Jackson Galaxy whip unruly felines into shape on My Cat From Hell.

If I had thumbs, I’d scoop the litterbox before my turn, because I’m a lot like that Ally McBeal character who ‘liked a fresh bowl’ and always flushed before he used the loo. Yep, I do love a fresh box even if I have to clean it myself!

If I had thumbs, I’d shop online with the Warden’s credit card and buy a whole kit-n-caboodle of cat toys, cat beds, cat trees, water fountains and anything else that caught my eye. And when that credit card reached its limit, I’d just open up more accounts… in her name of course. Everyone knows that work is ‘beneath a cat’ and having thumbs sure wouldn’t change that.

If I had thumbs, I’d form my own cat gang like those cool kitties in the milk commercial did. We’d call ourselves the Rockinators, and sit around all day plotting how we could become Supreme Rulers of the Furniverse. No one could stop a gang of cats with thumbs!

Oh, who am I kidding? If I had thumbs, I’d probably do what I do every other day all day long. CATNAP! Being a cat is such a hard life, isn’t it?

Photo: 'Peach drinks milk' by Sunny Ripert

Read more articles by Rocky Williams