What Would Dogs Do If They Had Thumbs?

By Keikei Cole, Canine Guest Blogger

The other day the “Boss” was laughing about a holiday on March 3rd, If Pet's Had Thumbs Day. Visions of high fives and thumbs up suddenly came to mind. After thinking about it for a minute, I knew this was something I could sink my teeth into, so I decided to bark out my own list of what I'd do if dogs had thumbs.

You Tube videos. Yep, I'd film and post funny hooman videos. It's fun to watch those hoomans – such interesting creatures. I can see it now, Keikei, the internet sensation of the Doggiesphere, made possible with opposable thumbs. The boss is always cackling over videos of my canine cousins chasing their tail or doing a slow motion shake. I'd film hoomans in super slow motion trying to keep up with us at the dog park. Especially their face when we're doing something they think we shouldn't be doing. Hoomans can move pretty fast sometimes. BOL.

The remote control would be mine. I like to watch Animal Planet as much as any doggie, but it would be nice to surf for something else and change the channel without having to use my nose or teeth. I would go with an exciting canine action flick or maybe a canine thriller. And I'd have my own bowl full of CANIDAE TidNips™ and Snap-Bits™ to munch on. I might even sprinkle in some FELIDAE TidNips™ to kick it up a notch.

Texting looks sort of cool. I like the noise it makes. I'd text my doggie pals in the neighborhood to coordinate a specific time when we all howl. Oh wait, this is even better – we could stare at a wall and pretend like we see something the hoomans can't see. That always gets them.

You know how some hoomans love to sit around playing cards for hours? I'd get my own card game going! We would play the doggie version of Go Fish. I'm sure you've heard of it. It's called Go Cat. If we get the wild card, we have to chase a kitty up a tree.

If I had thumbs, I'd brush my own teeth. OK, I get the idea about brushing teeth. But what's with prying my mouth open just to shove some stupid brush down my throat? What's worse is when the boss sticks her finger in my mouth. Think about it for a minute, that finger has hooman germs on it!

Some doorknobs are impossible to open if you don't have thumbs. Imagine being able to open the door and pretend I was going to run away. The look on the boss's face would be priceless. Hey, now that I think about it, I could also drive her car. Who's up for a burger and fries?

It would be fun to learn how to run that carpet cleaning machine the cats don't like. That could make for an interesting afternoon irritating those fleabags while at the same time tidying up the rugs for the boss so I could get brownie points.

I could become a famous artist and paint a masterpiece. I would be known as Keikei, the Magnificent Canine with Thumbs. Yeah, I like that. I'd travel the world, appearing on talk shows and signing autographs. And everyone would want one of my paintings.

I’d learn how to play the piano and then invite all of my friends over for a midnight howl. I’d reset all the clocks in the house to different times and then watch the boss try to figure out what time it really is. Sure, that might be a mean trick, but think of the funny video I could shoot!

If dogs had thumbs, I could sit on a park bench pretending to read a newspaper or do a crossword puzzle while keeping a watchful eye for squirrels to chase. I know that darn refrigerator door opens, but so far I haven't figured out how to do it. Thumbs would make it much easier to raid the fridge for a late night treat.

Have you ever tried to catch a ball with a baseball glove on your nose? Of course you haven't. But if I had thumbs, I would change the whole concept of playing catch! Hmmm, I wonder if there could be a market in doggie baseball gloves.

Oh, the endless possibilities…if only dogs had thumbs!

My feline friend, Rocky Williams, recently pondered the question, “If cats had thumbs, would they conquer the world?” I think not…but don't you dare tell Rocky because he might claw my face! BOL.

Read more articles by Linda Cole