A Dog's Point of View on What We Say

"Don't I look cool?"

By Keikei Cole, Canine Guest Blogger

What you say and what we dogs hear are sometimes two different things. But don't blame us, because there's nothing wrong with our hearing. Humans just need to learn to ask the right question. For one thing, the question isn't “Did you do that?” but rather, “Wow, you left that there just for me?” or “My poor baby. Did that pillow scare you when it exploded and threw those feathers all over the room?” As you can guess, dogs don't always see things the way you do. When it comes to things you humans say, we have a different point of view.

“Oh, come on. It's not raining that hard.”

Yeah, right. That's easy for you to say. You're standing inside. It's not raining that hard. So why does it feel like I'm getting a bath? Not raining that hard. It's coming down in buckets. It takes time to hunt around for just the right spot. I'm going to melt, I just know it. When I get back inside, I'm shaking right beside you!

“You can stare all you want, I'm not giving you any of my food.”

So that's the thanks I get. I'm a highly trained and finely tuned guard dog that keeps all those pesky squirrels at bay. I sound the alarm when someone is walking too close to your home. And yes, I do consider the street to be too close. Get over it! Would it hurt you to give me a bite of whatever you're having? I'm starving, for crying out loud.

“Are you in the cat pan again?”

Stop yelling. You're scaring the cats.

“OK, who chewed up the TV remote?”

Oh great. Why are you giving me the “I know it was you” look? I'm innocent. Honest. Just because it was underneath me doesn't mean I did it. Besides, my question to you is, “Who left the TV remote lying around where it shouldn't have been?” I rest my case.

“Would you stop that yapping?”

Yapping? I do not yap. Little dogs yap. I have a very dignified, authoritative and excellent bark. I bark because sometimes I have something very important to say. Anyway, it makes perfect sense to me and that dog I was talking to. Maybe you should learn how to speak dog.

“Bath time.”

Now there are two words that will make me behave more than anything else. I hear those words and I'm on my best behavior. I don't bark, rummage through the litter box, or do anything I know I'm not supposes to do. Does it make any difference? NO! I still have to take a bath. I should probably consider myself lucky the boss doesn't lather me up with soap when she tosses me outside in a downpour while she's standing inside where it's dry.

“Keikei, it's just kids running down the street.”

Oh sure, to you it's just kids. To me, it's an international gang of little people purposely running back and forth in front of my house to test my guarding instinct.

“It's time to come inside.”

Huh? You talking to me? Why do I have to come inside? Is it going to start raining? I don't smell any rain.

“Hey, Keikei. Want to work on learning something new?”

Oh boy, yeah. I love learning new things because I get CANIDAE TidNips™ treats. I really love my CANIDAE treats!

“Stop chasing the cats.”

Well, aren't we in a grumpy mood? You're seeing it all wrong. I'm not chasing them. They just happen to be in front of me and going in the same direction I'm going. See, it's all in how you look at it. I'm just following them. You know, to make sure they don't get into any trouble. Yeah, that's it. I'm cat sitting.

“What do you have in your mouth? Drop it!”

What do you mean, drop it? I've been searching for this all day and finally found it. I don't know what it is, but I've been looking for it for like, forever. It's kinda cool and feels interesting in my mouth. Why do I have to drop it? I know, because you said so. It's not fair. Ewww, what is that? It didn't taste nearly as slimy as it looks now that I've spit it out.

“Move, please. I want to sit down.”

You woke me up for that? Do you have any idea how long it took me to get this cushion nice and comfy? And now you're kicking me off the couch. So sit down already. There's lots of room on the floor. OK, OK, you don't have to give me the “I am the boss” look. I got it. Hold on...what did you say? I can cuddle next to you? Awww, and you're scratching my favorite spot. I love you, too.

Read more articles by Linda Cole