The Naughty Kitty Chronicles

The Naughty Kitty

By Rocky Williams

That evil Warden of mine says when she looks in the dictionary under “Naughty Kitty” there is a photo of me. She also wants me to believe that under “Angel” there is a photo of Annabelle. Gag. Excuse me while I hack up a hairball and leave it where the Warden is sure to find it…with her bare feet!

I will admit that I probably am the naughtiest kitty on the planet. But I’ll bet you I have a lot more fun than my goody two shoes sister; wait, wouldn’t that be goody four-paws? Anyhoo, Annabelle is a good kitty and I am a naughty kitty. I DO know the difference, but I choose to be naughty because like I said, it makes life so much more interesting! What’s the point of being a feline if you can’t have a little fun?

Just in case there was any doubt as to what constitutes a good kitty versus a naughty kitty, I’ve put together a little primer.

The Good Kitty Versus the Naughty Kitty

A good kitty (Annabelle) doesn’t pay a lick of attention when the human is eating her food. A naughty kitty (me) gets their fluffy self in her face and tries to snag food from her plate right in front of her. My signature move is called the “grab and go” and I’m successful 9 times out of 10 because my paw is quicker than the hand.

A good kitty comes when called. A naughty kitty answers to none…unless there’s food involved, then we “pretend” to be obedient so we’ll get a snack. The Warden’s favorite trick to get a naughty kitty to come is to shake the tub of FELIDAE crunchies. Works like a charm!

A good kitty leaves all the pens, keys, note pads, remotes, and other miscellaneous stuff on the coffee table, right where the human put it. A naughty kitty pushes them all to the floor, then bats them around until they get lost under the furniture.

A good kitty barfs on the easy-to-clean linoleum or tile floor. A naughty kitty chooses to do the deed on the carpet or the human’s important work papers. Extra credit if your furball ruins some prized possession that “just happens” to be in the way.

A good kitty sleeps in their cat bed so as to keep their fur in one place. A naughty kitty catnaps on their human’s clothes, couch, chair, desk or anyplace they please.

A good kitty goes right into the cat carrier. A naughty kitty hightails it to a place inaccessible to humans at the mere sight of the PTU. When that fails, a naughty kitty squirms and contorts such that the human can’t possibly stuff them into the carrier.

The Good Kitty

A good kitty takes their medicine and tolerates a bath or a claw trim without a fuss. A naughty kitty puts up the fight of their life and leaves their human scratched, bitten and so traumatized they’ll never try that again!

A good kitty makes sure the gopher is a goner before bringing it inside to show the human. A naughty kitty knows that a real, live gopher makes a much cooler “present” and is sure to get a much better reaction!

A good kitty waits for the human to get up before demanding breakfast. A naughty kitty sits on their face, pulls their hair, digs their claws into whatever flesh they can find, and meows loud enough to wake the entire neighborhood.

A good kitty doesn’t bother anything in the human’s garden. A naughty kitty sees the prized roses as a delicious snack, the dirt as a perfect place to do their business, the leaves of every plant as a fun thing to shred, and the green beans as a great cat toy!

A good kitty pays no attention to where the human stores the bag of FELIDAE cat food. A naughty kitty gets up on the coffee maker, opens the kitchen cupboard, stands on his hind legs, chews a hole in the bag and feasts away!

Read more articles by Rocky Williams